This may just be the best thing I've ever written, came up in response to some serious self questioning and response to an email to a friend/mentor of mine.
And like the title suggests, it came after a seriously clear moment, like the air just after it rains.
Ok, here goes.

At some point we know what we want and who we are yet we're so strongly
compelled by the desire to not offend that we ignore this
overwhelming
want to be who we want to be.
And the hitting.
Mostly for me it was the residual gossip.
People talking about what I'd done, goingall he said she said on me.
I hated it.
Then I realised that with that came the desire to conform.
There's comfort in conformity.

But I died inside.
I was no longer me, but someone else's idea of who i was, what I
wanted no
longer featured, it was what was expected of me.
Sickening.
Then at some point I was expected to go one further.
To actually go against my beliefs for the sake of that same group.
i resisted and got insulted so badly I still reel at the thought of
the
stuff that was done to me.
By the way, this was when i was in High School.

And the group was a silly clique.

But it kinda prepared mew for life at the fringe of conventional
society.
A place I have found acceptance at.

But I still do stuff I don't really want to.
Just to please other people.
Shame, innit?

Everybody's a freak to someone.
Take a newborn baby for instance. To it's mother it may be a freak
(based on the circumstances of conception) but to everyone else it may be
the
cutest thing on earth.
Life's a constant battle. You have to pick who to listen to and who
to
completely ignore.
And when to do the rest that's in the middle.
But at some point we realise that everyone's saying different
versions of
the same thing.
Morality, good, bad, man, woman, time, space, me, you

All boils down to a central string running through them like a set of
beads on a necklace.
So what you have to do is look for the string instead of getting
dazzled
by the beauty of the beads.
That people may not be perfect, but if you took a little of what
everyone
is saying and collect it together so that it's what they may be
saying but
at the same time it's not, then you have an interesting collage of
stuff
people have said. And in the end it's the content of everything they
say
that matters, not every single word they use.
People have this strange ability to completely dissociate from what
they
say. Half the time I'm not really me when I say stuff.
It comes from the consciousness.
Like now I have no idea what I just wrote, like I stepped outside of
myself for a moment and became what I was writing so it came out the
way I
felt it.

This is what you should do. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
Vulnerability is weakness.
But don't shut it in either. It's one of the things that make you
human.

psychobaby :o)
kenyan105@aol.com