Today’s one of those days when it’s really hot. As in a blanket of heat all around you. Makes me want to know just how hot it is. With my obsessive compulsive disorder (henceforth referred to as OCD) I like to know about stuff, like how much rain there was, how hot it is, how many litres of water I drink (around one per hour, I think, but not today. The cooler’s empty) The sky’s totally clear. There’s not a cloud in sight. Makes me feel like I’m being watched. Like there’s some satellite lens trained at me. Looking just in case I slip up. Then there’s people. I feel them looking at me. Here’s where I make strange patterns. Connecting things that don’t really have a connection. I read somewhere that OCD is caused by abnormalities in the brain, like from overdeveloped perception at the thalamus causing a loop of “worry signals” to flood the brain.

Got this from Wikipedia. 'Brain Lock' by Jeffrey Schwartz, suggests that OCD is caused by the part of the brain that is responsible for translating complex intentions (e.g., "I will pick up this cup") into fundamental actions (e.g., "move arm forward, rotate hand 15 degrees, etc.") failing to correctly communicate the chemical message that an action has been completed. This is perceived as a feeling of doubt and incompleteness which then leads the individual to attempt to consciously deconstruct their own prior behavior — a process which induces anxiety in most people, even those without OCD. Therefore, an OCD sufferer is likely to feel things a lot more than just your everyday Joe. This in turn leads to feelings of extreme sensitivity. Sensitivity in the sense that whatever usually passes by most people is amplified and turned into something else. An example is counting steps. Or not stepping on lines. It becomes apparent that anyone with OCD wants control over these small things. It happened to me once. I kept trying to make an even number of steps while not stepping on the lines. If it didn’t work I would then go back and start again. I did this in high school. Over and over again. Counting stairs, stepping on the odd numbered stairs and as a result becoming the laughing stock of a bunch of ignorant self-centered SOBs. I still obsess over strange things. At least I find them strange to me. Like the credit on my phone has to end with a 5 or a zero. So I won’t call someone unless it’s absolutely necessary if my credit has a five or a zero, but if it doesn’t I do it very readily to achieve that goal. Then there’s the empathy. I have some really strange empathy, like I feel things that people are feeling. Like I can’t go walking through a street and look right into people’s eyes without reading a bit of what they’re thinking or feeling. I can’t help it. I read into their actions, sometimes even think out loud. And they hear what I say. And I feel awful afterwards. That’s why I can’t stand public places. Coz eventually I read off of people, get looked at badly and in the end. Sometimes I wish it would stop, that I would stop being so critical of the world but then that would mean losing the ability to feel what I feel, denying who I am. I think I came out of the greater part of the condition a better person. A person who counts his steps, yes, who doesn’t step on the lines in the walkway, but then again one with incredible empathy. It’s still hot. According to CNN it’s about 24 degrees today. Incredible. Sweating like a pig. Cooler’s still empty. I’ll have to go out and buy some water. And, oh yeah. Nelly Furtado rocks (randomly inserted thought).